Badass Babysitters
by CinderCiela
Summary: Fluff AU! Izaya and Shizuo have been invited to go on a 'couples trip' with Shinra and Celty, so they hire Mikado and Masaomi to babysit their three hellish kids: Psyche, Tsugaru, and Hibiya! But will they be able to survive the horrors of parenthood for a whole week? Shizaya and Mikida!


**Hello! This is my first (ever) Durarara fanfic, so please be gentle. It is just for laughs, after all. This was inspired by a DRRR fic I read once called 'Daddy Daycare' and I _reaaaaaallllyyy_ didn't want to make this like a direct copy or anything. The idea of Psyche & Tsugaru & Hibiya being their kids is just too cute tho! Anyway, please, _please_ review.**

 **Anyways, enjoy _Badass Babysitters!_**

* * *

Mikado and Masaomi stood together outside of the door of Izaya's penthouse, starring their impending doom square in the face. Mikado had been against the idea of accepting the 'job' offered to them by the informant, but Masaomi was not so easily jaded. He had told Mikado that ' _it'll be fun! We'll teach the boys to pick up girls, be paid loads, and get out of school for a week!_ ', but now... this did not look good. After all, neither of them had ever taken care of _babies_ before. The babies of Japan's greatest con artist and Hulk impersonator, to be exact.

And now, there they were, standing outside of Izaya's apartment door.

"It's not too late to turn back..." Mikado suggested, but Masaomi shook his head.

Normally the somewhat-optimistic Mikado would never be quite the doubtful about something, but through the door, they could hear _screaming_. High pitched protests and Shizuo yelling his trademark ' _Izayaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!_ ' and things being broken.

Finally, Masaomi tapped the light brown pad that was the doorbell. A soft 'ding dong' rang out.

The screaming and yelling and breaking of glass stopped for a moment, and a man clad in an oversized and fluffy winter coat stepped out to greet them.

"Mikado! Masaomi! Welcome to my humble palace~!" Izaya sang, no doubt grateful to not have to take care of his brats for a week. "Please, do come inside, ehe heh."

He led them into a surprisingly tidy room, despite the obnoxious noises that were heard from inside.

"Boys, come out~!" Izaya said in a motherly tone. So _he_ was the 'mom' of the pair.

Suddenly, a hyperactive ball of pearl white and neon pink grabbed Masaomi's leg.

"Hiya! I'm Psyche! I'm four years old!" The little boy sang in a feminine voice. He resembled a child version of Izaya, and seeing him act like this made Masaomi laugh.

Another boy came out from god-knows where. He was dressed in blue, and resembled Shizuo, yet he looked rather calm and serene. "Hello. Good evening, Ryuugamine-san, Kida-san. I'm Tsugaru, age seven. Nice to meet you."

Masaomi rolled his eyes. _Jeez, this kid talks like he's the damn King or something!_

One last boy toddled into the room. He also took after Izaya. He had a paper crown on his head and a brown blanket wrapped around his shoulders. "My name is _Prince_ Hibiya Heiwajima! And you will obey my every order!" he declared.

Izaya picked up the littlest boy and kissed his forehead, meanwhile Shizuo firmly placed his hands on Mikado's shoulders, starring him in the eyes. "Take care of the brats, ya understand? Lose one, and _die_. Hurt one, and _die_. _Kill one_ , and I'll hand you over to Izaya..." He glanced over at his partner while chuckling evilly. He then backed off a bit, and spoke in a more relaxed tone. "Izaya made instructions for you to _strictly_ follow, and left out money for you to go shopping with. Now," He stood up, grabbed _all four_ of the pair's enormous suitcases, wrapped his spare arm around Izaya, and bolted for the door with unrealistic speed.

"Bye~!" The two sang as they left.

Leaving the two high school boys ( **A/N or middle school, I can't remember. Grr** ) alone with three toddlers.

Mikado walked over to a bar counter, where there was a pad of yellow sticky notes. Izaya's instructions.

 _MONDAY:_

 _Make dinner. There's macaroni in the cupboard for you to cook._

 _MAKE SURE Psyche takes his stimulants. Hide them in a bowl of ice cream and give it to him._

 _Wash EVERYONE'S hair in the bath._

 _Let Psyche and Hibiya watch anime or something until Tsugaru finishes his homework. Help him if he needs it._

 _DO NOT LET PSYCHE ON THE WII AT NIGHT!_

 _MAKE SURE you've changed Hibiya's diaper._

Okay. Theses instructions seemed simple enough. He found a cupboard, and inside were two boxes of SpongeBob SquarePants macaroni and cheese. As he prepared it, he was surprised to _not_ hear any destruction coming from the living room, where Masaomi was playing with the kids. In fact... he didn't hear _any_ talking _at all_. What was going on?

As soon as the mac 'n cheese was cooking, Mikado went into the living room, where - Masaomi was playing apps on his phone by himself!

"Masaomi!" He shrieked, grabbing the blonde's attention. "Where is everybody?!"

"Oh, they all went upstairs to their rooms." Masaomi replied nonchalantly.

"Uggggghhh!"

Mikado ran up several flights of stairs - why Izaya have such a damn big apartment? - until he found a fork in his road. Three doors - one was plain, a regular wooden door. Nearby, the ripped-off head of stuffed dragon was brutally mounted on the wall like some kind of trophy, with the words 'my castle. NO DRAGONS ALLOWED!' painted on the door. The last door had been painted hot pink with a big glittery 'P' decorating the door.

He suddenly heard a loud _Crash!_ come from the pink door, so he swung it open and almost threw up.

The room was just covered in so. much. pink! The walls and carpet was pink, glitter was everywhere, and - was that a _dress_ hanging in the closet?!

"Mii-chan! Can you help me?"

The black-haired boy turned to see Psyche trying to reach a high shelf with Wii games on it, knocking down multiple toys in process.

"Aaaahhh!" Mikado grabbed Psyche and held him in his arms before he could do any more destruction.

Despite Psyche's protests, Mikado was making his way out of the all-too-feminine room when he heard a loud _Thud!_ and then crying.

He ran to the bottom of the stairs where Hibiya had fallen, and was crying _not_ because he got hurt or very well could've _died_ , but because Masaomi wouldn't let him have a cookie.

Speaking of which - where was Masaomi this whole time anyway?

And then, Mikado heard arguing from the game room.

"No, no! Season Two is waaaaaaaay better, Kida-san!"

"Pfft, no it's not! Alois is _such_ a worthless character!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is t-"

"What the name of Ikebukuro are you arguing about?!" Mikado shrieked at Masaomi and Tsugaru.

"Which season of Kuroshitsuji ( **A/N If you're a Kuro fan too, you get a cyber cookie! Yay for you!** ) is better - and it's totally season one, by the way!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is no-"

"SHUT UP! No one cares about whatever season of the freaking anime is better! No if you two can just watch these two brats for a moment, I have to go check on the freaking macaroni and-"

 _BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

That was the smoke alarm.

"Too late for that now, Ryuugamine-san."

"Dammit!"

Dropping Psyche and letting go of little Hibiya's hand, Mikado rushed into the kitchen where his pot was overflowing and burning.

"Dammit!"

Despite the pain of touching it, he grabbed the pot, opened a window, and hurled the scorched contents of the pot outside and onto some unsuspecting victim who screamed below the penthouse.

Mikado then slumped down onto the kitchen floor. In less than twenty-four hours, he had gotten much angrier then he had in a while. And this was just the beginning of a week in hell.

He could _not_ do this.


End file.
